Monday, 28 March 2011

What They Don't Tell You About Motherhood - Obsession with Wee

There are many things that no-one tells you before you have children and find it out for yourself.  Ask any mother and she will have at least one thing that surprised her!

Nobody told me that motherhood means and obsession with wee.  The lovely Mammywoo reminded me of this in her post How It All Began, a tale of weeing on sticks (actually its about when she found out she was pregnant, but its mostly about weeing on sticks!).  From the moment you first suspect you might be pregnant you become obsessed with wee.  It goes like this...

Your obsession starts with wondering whether you are weeing more than normal, as this could be an early indication you are pregnant.  Then you have to make sure it's the right time of day to wee on a stick.  Have you weed on it properly?  It is actually impossible to wee on a stick the size of a cotton bud.  It would be so much easier for guys - aim and shoot.  Why is it that we, whose lives are changed so much by weeing on a stick, have a much harder time of aiming for the wretched thing?!

Ok, so you think you're pregnant.  Now you need to find a suitable container to take some of your wee to the doctors/midwife in.  This will be the first of many times you will be asked to present your healthcare provider with a lovely bottle full of wee.  Everytime you visit your midwife, consultant, doctor etc for anything pregnancy related they will want a sample of wee.  What they expect to find in it I never worked out.  Even if you gave a sample the day before then they want one again the next day 'because something might have changed'!  Yes, I was actually told this at the hospital.  By my third pregnancy I just turned up with a bottle whenever I went.  You can imagine how unimpressed I was when they managed to lose it!  I wonder what they did with the stuff?  Maybe the NHS has found a new way to create energy from wee?  Or maybe they just turn it into that stuff they call orange juice that you get in those silly cartons at breakfast?  Anyway, I digress!

Then you have scans and you now have to not wee (I wish the NHS would make its mind up) but instead sit in a waiting room for an hour after your appointment with a steadily swelling bladder while the lady who came in half an hour after you did gets called in for her scan.  If you ask how much longer you're going to have to wait then the receptionist suggests you go to the toilet and let a little bit out.  Have you ever tried to let a little bit out when you have had crossed legs for 2 hours?  It's impossible!

By the time you are nearly at term then you don't want to go anywhere without knowing where the nearest toilet is.  7lb baby sitting on your bladder means it doesn't hold very much.

Once you've had the baby you may think you have been reprieved from this wee obsession but oh no!  If you've had stitches then it HURTS!!! to wee so you think very carefully before approaching the toilet.

As you become accustomed to motherhood you now move from obsessing over your own wee to that of your childs.  Has she done enough nappies?  Should it be that colour?  Was that blood?  Then as you move onto potty training there is the sheer and utter delight you feel at a teaspoon of wee in the bottom of the potty - hurrah my child has done his first wee in a potty!  You tell everyone, friends, family, strangers 'my baby weed on the potty'!  For some reason you think that everyone else will share your fascination and obsession with wee!

Along with potty training comes an obsession with knowing where the nearest toilets are.  You don't want to be caught short!  And then of course you have to check they've been before they go anywhere!

So there you go, once you are a mother you will begin a new obsession with wee.  Oh, and by the way, never ever go near a trampoline unless you are wearing the strongest tena lady there is...

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